


The Gift of Giving

by fmljustlex



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Christmas Presents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, I Blame Tumblr, I Ship It, Light Angst, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Polyamory, Tumblr: tumblrsecretsanta, vlbjsecretsanta2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-28 00:50:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17172701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fmljustlex/pseuds/fmljustlex
Summary: My tumblr secret santa for @chiara-writes-zalex~^~Their relationship is something they’re still figuring out. Not just them, either, but those around them—their friends, their families, everyone at school. It’s something everyone is still getting used to, something the boys are still trying to adjust to themselves. It had made them nervous in the beginning, but they quickly stopped caring about what anyone thought when they realised how right it felt to them.





	The Gift of Giving

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas!!

Their relationship is something they’re still figuring out. Not just them, either, but those around them—their friends, their families, everyone at school. It’s something everyone is still getting used to, something the boys are still trying to adjust to themselves. It had made them nervous in the beginning, but they quickly stopped caring about what anyone thought when they realised how right it felt to  _them_.

No one was that surprised when Alex and Zach started dating. They had seen it coming, they said. They were a little surprised Zach really was into guys but they’d been starting to figure it out, they said.

That was all they said.

No surprise about Alex.

Alex was okay with that, because it was Zach, and everyone wanted to date him. Of course they weren’t going to be surprised. A little jealous, but not surprised.

People were actually happy for them, because they were actually happy. Alex was the poor crippled kid who’d shot himself and been dumped by the love of his life for Justin Foley  _again_. Zach was…well, Zach, and he’d been through his own fair share of shit and everyone was happy to see him smiling again. Their relationship was easy and simple and good. Nice. Healthy.  _Working_. It was purely friendship made friendlier, a firm comfort for both of them with a little added fun.

It was, overall, uncomplicated.

Then, there was Justin Foley.

Justin Foley was another Liberty High boy that had been through a lot. Too much, probably. It had affected him so much that the struggle was still visibly ongoing, headlined by his newfound heroin addiction. It’s something he still struggles with, damage that is most likely permanent. Like Alex, in a big way.

Maybe that’s why they click.

Maybe that had been why, after everything—including the most recent affair—Alex could not keep Justin away. When Jessica had cheated on Alex with him, Zach was mad at Justin on Alex’s behalf, but they were friends, too. Justin already had so many people abandon him. Zach couldn’t do that to him, too. Not over a stupid mistake that wasn’t even solely his fault.

Alex couldn’t either. In honesty, he wasn’t even sure that what he had with Jessica could be considered a relationship. It certainly wasn’t what it had been before, and they both knew it never could be. She had come to a similar realisation with Justin, which made Alex feel slightly better in one way and worse in another. Justin wasn’t good for Jess anymore either, possibly never had been, but it also meant what they’d done hadn’t even been worth it. Or, maybe it had.

Justin told Alex it hadn’t been, though. Alex had been giving him the cold shoulder, because even if it wasn’t going to work, Alex had been hoping it would and it hurt. He’d thought he was getting Jessica back, and that he was even growing back towards his friendship with Justin, his life somewhat settling back on track. Then they’d carelessly thrown his hopes in his face, and he was allowed to be pissed about it.

But he always struggled with being mad at Jess; so naturally, he decided to be mad at Justin. He ignored him for as long as possible, not even glancing at the boy when he tried desperately to make amends. It might have been cruel, but Alex was hurt, and therefore allowed to be.

He slowly came back around, permitting small conversations between them, but they never talked about it. They just let it settle into something not-very-settled between them, not bringing it up, until they did.

Justin had come right to Alex’s room, and they’d sat for a minute, and then Justin had said, “I’m really fucking sorry, Alex.”

It had spiraled from there until their emotions had run away from them enough to turn it into a shouting match. Or rather, Alex had shouted. Justin had apologised repetitively, looking genuinely distressed by Alex’s hurt, and then Alex had hit him. And Justin had let him. So Alex did it again, and again, weak thumps against his chest until he didn’t have the strength for it anymore and his shouting turned to sobs.

And Justin had  _hugged_  him.

And Alex….Alex didn’t hate it. It should’ve made him angrier but it didn’t, rather providing him with the comfort he assumed it was supposed to. It actually felt nice, and Alex eventually hugged him back and said, “I’m sorry for hitting you.”

Justin had huffed a laugh, shook his head. “I deserved it. It’s okay.”

Their friendship had rekindled and grown from there, amidst the beginning of Alex’s relationship with Zach, who was relieved his once-again-best-friend and his boyfriend were finally getting along. And they really were getting along, Alex hanging out alone with Justin almost as much as he was with Zach. Their friendship was made easier by their ability to understand each other, their shared grief over all they’d been through. Even Jessica was a common thread that knit them closer to each other.

As he learned more and more about him, Alex grew to really care about Justin, and he knew it was reciprocated. Alex wasn’t really that surprised when he kissed him.

Justin loved spending time with Alex. The boy seemed to settle something in him, something that otherwise begged for some kind of alcohol or drug induced reprieve. Lying next to Alex wasn’t as effective as shooting up, but it was enough, even on the bad days. Especially on the bad days. Alex had them too, and Justin had witnessed enough of them to feel accompanied in his pain. He tried to be there for Alex, and Alex tried just as hard to be there for him. He wasn’t all Justin needed, but he was something. Something that made it easier. Something that was enough.

Zach helped too, in a different way. He was Justin’s physical therapist as much as he was Alex’s, and their conversations could run just as deep. Justin had been there with Zach the summer his dad died, and Zach had taken Justin in more times than he probably deserved. They’d had rocky patches, but after Justin returned (and Zach forgave him for the Cheating Incident), their friendship was stronger than ever.

It was Alex that Justin kissed, though.

It had been one of those bad days. He felt like shit, a dull throb in his head and a constant itch under his skin, his mind urging him to pick up a needle. He’d gone to Alex instead, because that was what he did now, and Alex had taken one look at him, given him a hug, and asked if he wanted some ice cream.

They’d eaten ice cream and watched Netflix, then just lay next to each other on Alex’s bed, silence not a problem in the comfort brought simply by their presence. Then Alex looked over at him and said, “I don’t know what it’s like, but I know it’s not easy, and I’m really proud of you.”

And Justin had kissed him.

Alex had frozen, in surprise and shock and an overall overwhelming sense of  _feeling_  before very carefully pressing back. But Justin had only felt the moment of frozen hesitation and pulled back with a stricken expression, looking horrified at himself. “I’m sorry. I—I’m so sorry, Alex. I shouldn’t have—fuck, I’m so sorry. Shit. I’m—I’ll go.”

He scrambled off the bed and towards the door and Alex struggled to push himself up. “Hey, Justin, wait, it’s okay—“ But before he could even get to his feet, he could hear Justin’s footsteps thundering down the stairs and the front door slamming shut.

He told Zach about it, because of course he was going to. He was a good boyfriend, and he’d had enough lying and keeping secrets for a lifetime. He’d learned his lesson there.

Zach’s expression had been complicated. “Justin….kissed you?”

“Yeah. And I—I wanted to kiss him back. I would have, if he’d given me the chance.” Alex wondered if that was cruel, but he didn’t want to keep any of it from Zach. That included his own feelings.

“So, you like him?” Alex nodded. He couldn’t look at him. “Do you still like me?”

Alex’s head had shot up at that, incredulous. “Of course I do. Why would you even ask me that?”

Zach had smiled, pecked his lips. “I’m just making sure. So what happened, when he kissed you?”

Alex sighed. “He freaked out, apologised, and ran away. And I couldn’t fucking go after him, so.”

Zach had wrapped an arm around him and placed a soothing kiss in his hair at that before leaning back and looking at Alex seriously. “If you—if you had to choose between us, who would you pick?”

“Seriously?” Zach just kept looking at him. Alex could only look helplessly back. He was happy with Zach. Happy and comfortable and safe. He hated the thought of losing him in any way, of not being with him anymore. Justin…Justin would most likely be messy, and painful, and dangerous. But Alex knew Justin also meant excitement and playfulness and peace. Faced with the possibility of having it, Alex couldn’t honestly say that there was no part of him that wanted it.

Zach nodded, even though Alex hadn’t answered. “And if you didn’t have to choose. Or if there was a third option. If you…you could be with us both. Would you choose that?”

Be with…both of them. In a relationship? A relationship with both Zach Dempsey and Justin Foley. Alex thought that might kill him.

God, how much he wanted it.

Zach cares more about people than he probably should. He’s used to losing them, or finding out they were assholes. It’s why it had felt so good to find Alex’s friendship. They’d been casual friends before, sure, but it was only after Alex’s suicide attempt that it became a real thing. Zach remembers what it felt like to lose Hannah. He’d felt such panic at the possibility of losing Alex in the same way, and he was so relieved the day he woke up. Helping Alex with his physical therapy stemmed mainly out of Zach’s need to make up for his part in hurting him. He hadn’t really expected to grow so fond of Alex in the time, to feel so strongly about his recovery. To feel so protective.

He hadn’t expected to fall for him, but once he realised that he had, he wasn’t surprised.

Alex is beautiful and funny and he tugs at all the mushy and tough parts of Zach’s heart. He feels disgustingly sappy when he thinks about it, and he knows the only other person that ever made him feel this way was Hannah. His feelings for Alex had grown naturally, and slowly, until the point of wanting to spend every moment with him, of thinking about him when he wasn’t.

They talked about Hannah, sometimes. Zach opened up about their relationship and Alex about their friendship. They both missed her, and they had both hurt her, and it came easy to just sit together while they thought about her. It was safer, that way, because when either of them started to think too much, the other was there to pull them back.

Zach talked to Alex about his dad, too. Alex couldn’t relate so much, there, but he listened in a way that made Zach want to tell him. Zach’s sure Alex just has that way of making everyone feel understood, whether he really did understand or not. He didn’t make judgements or try to offer pointless comfort, only his silent, steady presence. That was enough, sometimes. Exactly what Zach needed, always.

Alex was with him, on the anniversary. Zach had missed PT, and he hadn’t called or messaged him, so Alex came to his house. He’d stood in the doorway with his cane and that concerned look in his eyes, and Zach had just sagged against him without a word, dropping his head down onto his shoulder. Alex hadn’t let go of him as he walked them into the living room and sat down on the couch. He’d held Zach the whole time he cried, then stayed with him the rest of the day. He’d refused to leave once night came, curling around Zach in his bed and holding on as he slept.

Zach had woke up the next morning to his warmth against his back, his breath tickling his neck. He’d rolled over under his arm and just looked at up. Odd strands of his hair stuck straight up on his head, the rest of it falling softly over his forehead and ears. He’d let it grow back out again, and Zach loved it this way, floppy and brown, soft and pretty—just like the boy himself. His face was relaxed in sleep, lashes fanned over his cheeks, lips parted. God, his lips.

Alex had woken up calm and slow, a smile immediately settling over his face as he looked at Zach, and Zach had to kiss him.

When they finally pulled away, all Alex said was, “About fucking time,” with the same happy grin on his face.

Alex was easy to fall into, to fall for, and he liked Zach just as much. There were moments at the beginning where they were awkward and tentative, not wanting to push it too quickly, not wanting to mess it up. Then, a little over a month in, Alex got into a little ‘situation’ as Zach hovered over him, looked at his boyfriend very seriously, and stated, “We are not wasting this. Zach. Please.”

And, really, how could Zach deny a request like that?

Three months in, and they were settled. They were happy, they’d found their rhythm. They both still had tough moments, and more than a few had led to fights and tiffs that were forgiven and forgotten by the next day.

Three months in, and Justin kissed Alex.

Zach had found a similar joy in regaining his friendship with Justin as he’d found in Alex’s. It was equally tentative in the beginning, the two of them still struggling with past and present grievances, and at first all Zach could do was bring Justin to the gym and make him a meal plan. They only talked about pointless things, not allowing themselves anymore, until the day they’d run into Bryce.

It was before Justin and Alex had fully formed there friendship, and it had turned into one of Justin’s bad days. Zach managed to cut the meeting short, even though it meant cutting their session short, leaving the gym in search of food instead. It was at the diner, an hour after they’d seen him, that Zach realised Justin’s hands were shaking.

“Hey,” Zach had said softly. “He’s not here anymore, man. You’re free.”

Justin curled his trembling hands into fists. “I don’t feel free. I feel like sticking a fucking needle in my arm, and I hate it. I hate feeling like this.”

It was the first time he’d said anything like that to Zach, the first time he’d ever brought it up, and it sent a pang right to Zach’s heart as he realised how much he must have been struggling. The addiction was still new, still fresh, and he knew Justin was dealing with it constantly, but he hadn’t really known. It was made glaringly obvious then, and Zach wanted to help somehow.

That was what made him reach out and cover his friend’s shaking hand. “Hey.” Justin looked up at him, eyes sad and scared. “You can talk to me.”

And finally, Justin had. He talked about Bryce, and Jessica, and Seth, and the Jensen’s, and even Alex. He talked about living on the streets, and the drugs. Zach listened, and bought him another burger. It was the night that cemented their new friendship. They could never complete discard their old one, and their lives were too intertwined for it to be a fresh start, but it was a breakthrough. It was what gave them the friendship Zach had always wanted with Justin—the real kind, the kind he had with Alex.

Justin talked about the night of the dance, and how he didn’t think Alex would ever forgive him. That they still hadn’t talked about it. So Zach convinced him that they should, that brushing over it was only going to make it worse. The next day, they’d had their fight-slash-reconciliation.

Their friendship formed slowly after that, and Zach was happy to see it. He’d hated feeling torn between them, especially when he and Alex got together a few weeks later. But even by that time there didn’t seem to be any ill feelings left between them.

Zach was elated to watch them grow so close, knowing that they’d be good for each other.

He also watched the elongated touches, the stolen, thoughtless glances, and he didn’t feel a single sting of jealousy. Only that same elation of seeing two of the people he cared about most care just as much about each other. He was waiting for it, really. For his best friend to kiss his boyfriend.

He wondered, when Alex told him, if there was something wrong with him. That instead of feeling like he wanted to break Justin’s mouth so he couldn’t do it again, he was thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.

He asked Alex if he would choose—if there was a difference that made Alex want one of them more. He knew right away by Alex’s crestfallen expression, because he knew Alex. He didn’t want anything to change with Zach, but he did want Justin, too.

Zach understood that more intimately than Alex probably thought.

Justin was the only factor they were unsure of, mostly because he was ignoring them both. They tried to talk to him, and each time Justin gave a weak excuse and abruptly ran away.

He felt terrible about what he’d done. He’d been so fucking stupid. It was like he’d completely stopped thinking for that one minute, not even realising what he was doing until it was too late. He’d jerked away the minute his brain had caught up, only catching a glimpse of Alex’s shock before he ran.

He wasn’t surprised it had happened, because this was what he did. He took what he wanted without thinking, and managed to hurt the people he cared about most. The people he never, ever wanted to hurt. He hated himself more for always making Alex a part of it; he’d hurt him more times than he could count, and he just kept doing it. Alex had finally found happiness, and in a split second Justin had tried to ruin it.

His two best friends. He’d hurt his two best fucking friends, and now they probably hated him.

They were so good for each other. He knew it. Alex was happier, Zach was happier. Zach took care of Alex in a way that wasn’t overbearing but that worked, and Alex was exactly what Zach needed to make him smile and keep him on his toes. They were perfect, and they deserved each other.

In comparison, Justin was a goddamn selfish asshole who didn’t deserve either of them.

He was sure he always had been, and they just hadn’t realised. They were bound to figure it out after this though, and Justin wasn’t ready to lose them.

So instead, he put it off by avoiding them as much as possible.

It was a week of wallowing in guilt and feeling that itch under his skin. The Jensens—mainly Clay—were the only ones keeping him sane. Clay spent the majority of the time calling him a dumbass and trying to convince them to talk to him, but he stopped him from turning to the needle, which was the main thing he needed and was really fucking grateful for.

A week before they both finally cornered him in his own bedroom.

Justin had taken two steps through the door, noticed them, and turned to walk back out. Zach stopped him, stepping into his path and slamming the door, making Justin flinch.

“You’ve been ignoring us,” Alex stated. Justin turned to look at him where he was sat on the bed. He didn’t look angry. Neither of them did. Justin couldn’t figure out any of their feelings, and it made him more nervous.

“I…” Justin didn’t know what to say. There was no point in denying it. He had been. “How did you get in here?”

Alex just shrugged. “Clay. Are you going to run away again?”

Justin’s shoulders slumped, and he shook his head. Zach patted his back and moved around him so he could look at them both. Zach crossed his arms over his chest, and Alex sat silently, both of them looking back at Justin.

“I’m sorry,” Justin blurted. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t—I wasn’t even thinking, and I just, I know it was wrong and I’m so sorry. I was being really fucking selfish, and I’m an idiot. I know you probably hate me and I don’t blame you, I hate myself, and I don’t deserve either of you—“

Zach had caught of his rambling by raising a hand to his face. He didn’t hit him like Justin thought he might. Instead, he cupped his cheek and moved incredibly close. Justin’s breath hitched.

He couldn’t think; he was thinking too much. Zach’s lips were so close. He’d tilted his head down, but they were still almost at Justin’s eye level. They were parted just slightly, his breath ghosting over Justin’s cheeks, and then Zach tilted Justin’s head up. Now those lips were unbelievably close to his own, and Justin was looking at Zach’s eyes. There was a question in them, but Justin wasn’t sure what he was asking, so he couldn’t give him an answer. He couldn’t think.

Zach leaned half an inch further and kissed him.

Justin made a noise in his throat. Zach’s lips were hesitant, his touch featherlight, waiting for Justin to pull away. He didn’t, and Zach’s lips pressed a little more firmly, until Justin’s pressed back.

He’d thought about kissing Zach before. Of course he had—it was  _Zach_. He maybe hadn’t thought about it as much as he thought about kissing Alex, but it wasn’t far off. He thought about Zach and Alex kissing each other, occasionally, which was an easier thing to imagine when he’d actually seen it.

But this was different to any of that. This was actually kissing Zach, with Alex right there. Sitting on Justin’s bed, watching. Justin’s heart was beating too fast. This was the kind of situation he’d have weird dreams about, sure. But it really happening? Justin would never have imagined that, would never have allowed himself to. Was this really happening?

Jesus.

Zach pulled back after a few minutes but kept the hand at his cheek. “You are an idiot,” he agreed. “But we don’t hate you. If you wanted to kiss Alex again, I wouldn’t mind. But I would—I’d like to kiss you, too. If you’d like that.”

Justin looked at him, then he looked over at Alex. Justin still couldn’t read any of what he was feeling. He was a little embarrassed at the high-pitched hoarseness of his voice when he asked, “Seriously?”

Alex had grinned at him. A little shy, a little nervous, a little hopeful. “We’ve decided we want it if you do. If not,” Alex had quickly added, “it doesn’t change anything. You’re still our best friend. But this is an option. If you want it.”

By way of response, Justin had looked at Zach and then kissed him again. Short and sweet, but enough to be an answer. Zach grinned at him, kissing his forehead gently, before Alex nudged his leg with his cane. Justin looked over at him to find a raised brow, amused tilt to his lips. “You didn’t actually let me kiss you back, last time,” he pointed out.

Justin had grinned then, walking over and leaning down to take Alex’s face in his hands. Kissing Alex was different to kissing Zach. For one, Justin felt tiny compared to Zach, while he and Alex were about the same stature. Zach made up for his size by being so gentle he relinquished almost all control to the other. Similarly, Alex was not about to let you think that because he was smaller he was in any way submissive.

He tugged on Justin’s shirt and Justin just managed to stop himself from falling on top of him. He settled carefully over his lap, feeling Alex smile against his lips and the bed dip next to them. Alex’s breath caught and Justin pulled away to see that it was because Zach was trailing his fingers over his back, small smile on his face. Justin grinned at him, then ducked his head to brush his lips over Alex’s neck.

Alex’s next breath was shaky. “Okay, I could get used to this.” Zach laughed and Justin sat back to look at both of them. God, they were so beautiful. Justin had been so ready to lose them both.

Something must have been off in his expression because Alex touched his face and Zach scooted from where he was leaning back against the wall to sit next to them. The hand that had been on Alex’s back settled on his knee and squeezed gently.

Justin took a breath. “I just—this is really happening, right? I’m not, dreaming or imagining it? It’s not a joke?”

“Definitely not a joke,” Alex promised. “All real.”

Zach tapped his fingers lightly against Justin’s knee. “You can tell us if you want us to back off. We’ve had a week to adjust to the idea. We’ll understand if it’s…a lot.”

“It’s not that. It’s just…I’ve spent the whole week thinking you both hated me. This is, way off what I was expecting.”

Alex scoffed, but his smile was gentle. “As if we could ever hate you, idiot.”

Justin still isn’t sure exactly what part of it made his eyes water. Alex had immediately hugged his waist, tugging him against his chest. Justin tucked his face into his shoulder, and Zach wrapped his arms around them both, resting his head against Justin’s. Justin had smiled, agreeing with Alex. He could definitely get used to this.

They had gotten used to it, very quickly. It took a little longer for those around them, and they still have conversations with people that are unable to properly come to terms with it. It doesn’t bother them so much anymore, though there’s a few awkward assumptions they’d always rather not deal with.

They’re families are all incredibly accepting. The conversation with Alex’s parents had undoubtedly been the easiest.

“So, you’re all dating?” Mr Standall had asked. Alex nodded. “That’s why I could never figure it which one it was.”

Alex had balked at him. “What? I told you when I started dating Zach.”

“Yet I’ve made Justin dinner more times than I’ve made it for myself.” Justin had smiled sheepishly at that, but Alex was still gaping. Mr Standall had only ruffled his son’s hair and clapped the others on the back—a little harder than probably necessary. “We’re parents, Alex, not blind. I’m the sheriff. Speaking of, does this mean I need to have another talk?”

They’d all quickly shaken their heads, and Mrs Standall had shooed him off before making them all dinner.

Zach….decided not to actually tell his mother. She’d come around to Alex, mostly, and she’d liked Justin when she thought he was ‘popular’, but Zach wasn’t comfortable with it and they didn’t push him. It made it easier for them to sleep at his house, too; it was unlikely Zach and Alex would get up to anything they shouldn’t with Justin in the same room.

Ignorance really is bliss.

They had told May, though, who looked at them for a moment before saying, “Wait. You’re allowed to have two boyfriends and I’m not even allowed to have one?”

Alex and Justin looked at Zach, trying to hold back laughter. “She has a point, Zach.”

Zach had scowled at them in betrayal before pointing at his little sister. “When you’re eighteen like I am, you can have as many boyfriends as you like.”

The Jensen’s were probably the most interesting experience. The day they’d all gotten together, Justin had joked, “If I started making out with Zach in front of Clay, I think he’d have a heart attack.”

Clay had thankfully not had a heart attack, but he did seem to go into slight shock when they did, in fact, make out in front of him while Alex was laying in Justin’s lap.

They explained as best as they could when Clay eventually recovered, and Clay had turned to his adopted brother in exasperation. “You’ve been moping around the whole week and now you’re dating  _both of them_? How the hell do you do that?”

Justin just grinned at him, patting his shoulder. “You’ll get laid one day, bro.”

They tend not to show their relationship too much outside of the safety of their homes, especially at school. Zach and Alex were never a PDA type of couple before anyway. Everyone still seemed to notice, though, and the theories they’ve come up with so far are all ridiculous or offensive. Alex gets particularly annoyed at the rumour that he’s cheating on Zach with Justin. Another is that he’s dating them both. None of them know exactly how to explain that they’re all dating each other.

They’re happy with what they have, though, and they’ve agreed that that’s enough.

The acceptance from their families does make it that much easier.

May, for instance, is as fond of Alex and Justin as Zach is. She often manages to sneak into their date nights, settling next to one of them as they watch a movie. Zach both loves and hates that they both indulge her, letting her snuggle up with either or occasionally both of them. It’s adorable, really, and he loves seeing the people he loves also love each other. But it does make him slightly pouty, with the irrational urge to remind his baby sister that they’re  _his_  boyfriends.

He loves when they’re all together, but he kind of enjoys the moments where he just has his boys or his sister to himself. He thinks that’s why he’s so excited; it’s the start of December, which means time for Christmas decorations.

May has been equally excited about it all week, so much that she even helped Zach bring the boxes down from the attic. Their mother had told them she’d leave them to it, but it doesn’t bother Zach as much as it had last year. He’s a little disappointed in her for not even considering May, watching the smile drop from his sister’s face, but he isn’t surprised.

They string the tinsel through the hallways and around the banister of the stairs before doing the same with a few sets of lights, adding smaller bits to doorways and picture frames. They leave the tree until last, Zach adamant that it makes it more exciting.

They don’t have a real tree, as much as Zach would have loved to get one. He knows the Jensen’s don’t either, but the Standall’s do, a tradition between Mr Standall and his sons. Zach may have begged Alex to let him know when they get it so he can at least help with decorating.

That means they’re spreading branches when May asks, “Do you know what you’re going to get Alex and Justin for Christmas?”

Zach freezes. May notices, and she raises an eyebrow at him. “I’m guessing that’s a no?”

Shit.  _Shit_. Zach hasn’t even thought about presents. He’s been with Alex since July, and he doesn’t know what to get him. He’s been with Justin for just under two months, but good friends with him for a few years, and he doesn’t know what to get him. Gifts haven’t even entered his mind. How the hell has he not been thinking about it? How the hell does he not know? God, he’s a terrible boyfriend.

“Fuck,” he groans. Then, pointing at May, “Forget I said that. Don’t use that word.”

May rolls her eyes at him, but then gives his arm a comforting pat. “It’s okay. You still have time to think about it. Have you asked them what they want?” Zach slowly shakes his head. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t. Surprises are better. But if you end up struggling you really should. What do you want them to get you?”

Zach furrows his brows. He hasn’t thought about that. “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t need anything from them. I’m just really excited to have them here.”

“Better than last year, at least,” May says quietly.

Zach’s smile drops. He pulls her into a one-armed hug. “I know last year was tough, and I know this year is too. But you know I’m gonna be here with you, right?”

May nods. Then, “And Justin and Alex.”

Zach’s lips quirk. “And Justin and Alex,” he agrees.

“You’re a lot happier around them,” May says, still quiet. “Even when it was just Alex, he made you happier. They do make you feel better, don’t they? They make it easier.”

They do. Zach knows that, doesn’t even have to think about it. They make him happier in the same way they make each other happier, the same way he makes them happier. They’ve been through so much together—too much of it bad that Zach sometimes thinks that they should actually be bad for each other. They simply aren’t, though. They’re so good for each other, all their intertwined pasts only giving them the ability to understand each other better.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, they do.”

May smiles, and they spend a few moments in silence hanging more baubles, snowflakes, and tiny glittery presents on the tree. She breaks it again then to ask, “Why didn’t you invite them over to do this?”

“I wanted this to just be you and me,” he admits.

She smiles again, brighter. It’s another few minutes before she speaks again. “So, are they gonna come over later?”

Zach lowers the decorations in his hands and turns to look at her. “Which one of them do you even have a crush on, anyway?”

May raises a brow. “Which one do  _you_  have a crush on?”

Zach narrows his eyes at her. She grins back.

~^~

Justin can sense the explosion before it happens.

Zach’s supposed to be spending the day decorating with May, so when Justin gets bored he decides to go to Alex’s. He stuffs a pack of Sour Patch Kids into his bag—sadly, it isn’t Christmas break yet, and there’s homework to be done for the next day. He decides to take it with him and try to persuade Alex into it too, knowing if Alex says no he’ll just abandon it and spend time with him.

He knows as soon as he got to Alex’s that it’s a bad day. Peter sends him right up to Alex’s room, and Justin gives him a nod of thanks. Peter wasn’t here when they all got together, leaving Alex unable to tell him about them. Well, he still could have, but he didn’t want to try to explain anything over the phone, and his parents promised they wouldn’t speak a word either. It was when he came home for Thanksgiving that Alex told him about them. Unlike with his parents, Zach and Justin weren’t there for support. He’d wanted to do it himself, and they didn’t argue. (Not that they had much choice, considering Alex didn’t tell them until after.)

Alex’s relationship with his brother contains some rocky patches, and he was a little nervous about it, even though he didn’t really think his brother would mind. There was still the unshakable fear, the worry that even if Peter seemed accepting he wouldn’t understand.

His reaction, however, was one very similar to May’s.

“Okay. Wait. You’re in a steady relationship with  _two people_  and I can’t even hold onto  _one_?”

“….Yeah.”

“And aren’t they supposed to be the hottest guys at your school?”

“Yeah.”

“What the  _fuck_ , Alex?”

Alex didn’t really know whether to be relieved or offended, but relief won out. Peter’s train of thought had switched after that, though, as he sat down next to Alex and looked at him seriously.

“I was here when you got together with Zach, and I could tell he made you happy. Justin makes you happy, too?”

Alex wasn’t able to suppress a smile. “Yeah. I know it’s weird, because of the whole Jessica thing and everything else, but even when I kind of wanted to hate him, I couldn’t. He can be an idiot and he worries the hell out of me sometimes, but he really does. They both make me happy.”

Peter had finally started to smile then, too. “And they’re good to you? Good for you?”

“Always.”

Peter hugged him. “Then I’m really happy for you. And if either of them fuck it up, I’ll kick their asses. Remind me to have that talk with Justin now, too.”

Alex had rolled his eyes at him, but they were both grinning. Then Peter squeezed his shoulder. “Promise me something, though.”

“What?”

“Don’t take it away from yourself. If they make you happy, don’t be stupid. Let them. Don’t start pushing them away for whatever dumb reason your brain might tell you to, okay?”

Alex had hugged him again. “I won’t. I promise.”

Justin remembers the talk, vividly, but the fear Peter had managed to set in him then has since been destroyed by his friendliness. He’s almost as invested in Justin regaining his fitness as Zach as. He’s loved Zach since the summer. Mainly, he teases Alex and gets away with it, the pure happiness he obviously feels for his brother taking away any bite in his own teasing and in Alex’s retorts.

Justin makes his way to Alex’s room and finds him curled on his bed, sitting back against the pillows and staring at the wall. His eyes find Justin and he smiles just slightly. It’s tired, and it doesn’t exactly reach his eyes, and Justin is immediately concerned.

He walks over to the bed, dumps his bag on the floor, and sits down next to him. Alex turns his head against the pillow and Justin cups his cheek. “Hey,” he says softly. “You okay?”

Alex hums. “Jus’ tired.”

Justin doesn’t really believe him, but he’s not as good at saying so, not like Zach. He says the wrong thing too easily, is too careful that he’s careless and Alex snaps at him, and he feels like he only makes it worse. He’s only good at it when Alex chooses to tell him, when he openly talks about what’s wrong. But he doesn’t know how to push for it when it isn’t offered to him without pushing too hard.

But if Justin’s right here next to him, Alex is in no immediate danger, so he lets it be and only raises a brow. “So I guess I’m not gonna be able to convince you to do homework with me?”

Alex makes a vague noise of disgust. “Definitely not. But you can do yours, if you can cuddle me at the same time.”

Justin grins, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He settles back against the other pillow, taking his books out of his bag before wrapping an arm around Alex and letting him curl against him. It’s a little awkward with only one hand, but Alex reaches out and adjusts his book or turns the page when he sees him struggling. Even if he didn’t, Justin would never give up Alex’s warmth against his side just to more conveniently do homework.

They stay like that for about forty minutes before Justin flips the book shut. “How about we go get some food?”

Alex’s groan is muffled into Justin’s neck. “That means going downstairs,” he points out.

“I can carry you, if you want.”

“Fuck you.”

Justin pulls the bag of Sour Patch Kids from his bag. “If you come down with me, you can have as many of these as you want.” Alex perks up slightly. Justin laughs, then presses a kiss to his hair. “Come on.”

He does not carry Alex, but he does take his time walking down the stairs in front of him, and Alex knocks his cane against his leg just so Justin knows he knows. Justin leads the way to the sitting room, where Alex plops onto the couch before snatching the sugary goods out of Justin’s hand. Justin tears it open without taking it out of Alex’s hands and Alex kisses him softly. Justin reciprocates for a moment, plants another kiss on the top of his head when he pulls away, then heads to the kitchen.

Peter is sitting at the table, a plate with a piece of steak on it in front of him. Justin’s mouth waters at the aroma of it. “Hey, is there any more of that?”

Peter smiles slightly with an amused shake of his head then pushes the plate towards Justin. “Here.”

Justin’s eyes widen. “Oh, no, it’s okay if there is none, I’ll just get something el—“

“Take the food, Justin. Seriously. Dad’s grilling more.”

“Then I can wait—“

“Justin.” Peter looks at him fondly, speaks softly. “I’m offering it to you now. You’ll starve before I do.”

Justin smiles, feeling irrationally grateful. He holds his fist out, waits for Peter to bump it, then takes the plate with a quiet, “Thanks.”

“Mmhm. Don’t give me the puppy act. Go back to ruining some more of my brother’s innocence.”

Justin scoffs, calls, “What innocence?” over his shoulder. When he makes it back to Alex, the packet of sweets is considerably emptier than it was before. Justin carefully takes it from his hands as he sits next to him, smiling at the noise of protest Alex makes. He’s too busy chewing to use actual words. “You’re going to make yourself sick,” Justin states. “Moderation.”

Alex grumbles, but he rests his head on Justin’s shoulder, so Justin doesn’t think he’s too annoyed. “You’re worse than Mom,” he mumbles.

Justin laughs. “Still not as bad as Zach, though.”

“True,” Alex agrees after a second of consideration.

Justin cuts a few pieces of the steak, eats one, then holds another to Alex’s mouth. Alex eats it off the fork obediently and Justin smiles. Justin does this until about two thirds of the steak are gone, until Alex shakes his head instead, then finishes the rest of it himself.

Just before he’s done, Mr Standall comes in. He smiles at Justin before directing his attention to Alex. “Hey, you up for going to get the tree tomorrow?”

Alex stares at him. “What?”

“Your brother and I were thinking about going tomorrow, after school. You think that’ll be okay?”

“Seriously?” Mr Standall’s brow furrows. Alex picks his head up off Justin’s shoulder. “Dad, there’s no point in me going to get the tree.”

Justin tenses.

“What do you mean no point? It’s a tradition, son.”

Alex scoffs. “It’s not like I’m going to be any use. It’s not like I ever was anyway, but now it’s just stupid. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Sit on the ground and watch, hope it doesn’t fall on me? Hope it does?”

“Alex,” Justin says.

Predictably, Alex ignores him. “Everything else is fucked now. What made you think we’d still have traditions like that? I can’t  _do anything_. I can’t cut it, because my hand would probably spasm and I’d cut off a limb instead. I can’t drive us there. I can’t even carry anything. I’m not even going to be able to walk out and find one and then stand there without feeling like I need to come back and sleep for the rest of the day.”

“So come back and sleep for the rest of the day,” Mr Standall says. So, so gently. So, so careful with his son, always, to try to make up for all the times he wasn’t, before. “You keep complaining about how everything’s changed, and this doesn’t have to. Not everything has to be different.”

That’s when the explosion hits.

“Everything  _is_  different,” Alex screams at him. “I can’t fucking  _do anything_. I’m useless! Don’t you fucking get that? I can’t help you get the tree. I can’t help you decorate the tree. I can’t stand up for two fucking minutes without getting tired! My most useful Christmas present will probably be a new fucking cane.”

It’s made worse that his shouts are high and broken, shaking as his eyes start to water. Mr Standall looks heartbroken. Alex sends his cane skittering across the floor with a swipe of his arm before letting out a sob. His father reaches out to him, but Alex weakly slaps him away.

Justin’s heart breaks a little, too.

Mr Standall steps back. Peter now stands in the doorway, wearing a pained expression similar to his father’s. He’s surely heard everything Alex said, and neither of them are surprised by it anymore. They’ve grown used to it. So has Justin.

He, however, is not just going to let Alex bat him away.

He winds his arms around the crying boy tightly, hugging him against him. Alex pushes weakly at his chest and Justin only holds on tighter. “Stop. Alex, stop. It’s okay, you’re okay, Alex. It’s okay.”

Alex is soon sagging into him, sobs quietened against Justin’s shoulder. Justin can handle this, now. Now he understands what’s wrong, what’s been bothering him. Alex spent his last Christmas in the hospital, barely awake, barely functioning. Justin hasn’t thought about how hard this one would be for him.

“You’re not useless and you know it,” Justin says vehemently. “So you can’t drive. A lot of people can’t. You don’t need to. You have plenty of people that will gladly drive you wherever you want. Your strength is getting better.”

Alex’s hand curls in his hoodie. He keeps going. “You can so decorate your fucking tree. You’re going to go with your dad and your brother at the weekend and get it. It won’t be after school, so you won’t be as tired. So what if you can’t cut it down? You pick it out. Take a fucking camping chair and sit in it and be cheerleader. Or waterboy. Just go with your family because you want to, Alex. There’s nothing stopping you.”

He keeps hugging him, and eventually Alex sniffles and turns his head to look at his dad and brother. “Can I pick the tree?”

Mr Standall looks relieved. Peter smiles. “You’re always allowed to pick the tree, Lex,” he says gently.

Alex considers. Then he gives a very tiny, watery smile. “Okay.” Justin squeezes him. Mr Standall leans down to pat his son’s leg.

“I’ll still get you a fancy cane, if you want,” Peter adds, smirking. Alex flips him off but smiles, and the smirk softens to a grin.

Mr Standall shoots Justin a look, and Justin nods; he can handle it. The man ruffles his hair, says, “There’s more steak if you want it,” then leaves, ushering Peter out ahead of him.

Justin turns his head to press his nose into Alex’s hair. Alex slides his arm around his back in response, moving to kiss Justin’s chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“Don’t be an idiot,” Justin berates immediately. “You don’t have to apologise for being upset. I’m sorry I didn’t know you were feeling this way.”

Alex shakes his head. “Thank you. You’re great, y’know?”

Justin smiles into his hair, kisses his head. “It’s what I’m here for.” Alex just makes a dismissive hum, presses closer to him. Justin runs a hand through his hair, using his other to pull his phone out of his pocket.

“What are you doing?”

“Texting Zach.”

“Justin,” Alex protests. “He’s supposed to be spending the day with May. I’m fine.”

“You know if I don’t text him, he’ll be a lot more pissed. It’s late. They’re probably done decorating. If they’re not, that’s okay, I’ve at least texted him. If they are, he can come over, and we’ll watch Nightmare Before Christmas and finish this bag of Sour Patch Kids.”

Alex smiles slightly and makes no further protests. Justin sends a message to Zach.

‘ _Code green. At Alex’s._ ’

They sit and wait, Justin keeping Alex cuddled against him, but Zach doesn’t text him back. Justin thinks maybe he is still spending time with May, and decides they’ll stay here a little longer just in case then watch the movie themselves. He sets the bag of Sour Patch Kids on his lap, taking one then feeding Alex two. Alex seems to relax again, and Justin’s about to suggest they just go watch it when there’s a knock on the door.

Justin glances out the window and sees Zach’s car. He carefully detaches himself from Alex, kissing his cheek with the promise to, “Be back in a minute.”

He almost runs into Mr Standall in the hallway, also heading for the door. “I got it. It’s Zach,” Justin explains. The man smiles and gives him a nod along with an affectionate, fatherly pat on the cheek. Justin grins at him, heart warming, before he goes to open the door. “Hey, why are you knocking, it’s not like—“

“What is it, what’s wrong?” Zach steps towards him, expression filled with panic and Justin’s grin drops.

Justin’s brow crinkles. “What?”

“You text me. What’s wrong?”

“It’s Alex,” Justin sighs.

Zach’s face drops. He swallows. “Is he okay? Where is he? What happened?”

“It’s this tree thing, with his dad. He wasn’t going to go, because he thought he was going to be useless. He’s come around a little but I think it’s been upsetting him for a while.”

Zach stares at him. “That’s it? Jesus, Justin.” Zach shoves his shoulder lightly.

“What?” Justin blinks.

“I thought there was something  _wrong_. I thought something had happened to him. You can’t just send a text like that, idiot.”

“If there was something wrong I would have sent code red, obviously. No, if there was something wrong I would’ve called you. Then if you hadn’t answered I would have text code red. Then sent more texts explaining what was wrong. You really think that’s all I would have said if it was serious?” Justin feels a little offended. He’s not an idiot. If something happened to Alex, Justin would make sure Zach knew. Besides—he would have been a lot more panicked about it.

“I thought it was all you could say  _because_  something was wrong. What the hell is code green, then?”

Justin raises a brow. “Tree,” he says, like it should be obvious.

Zach shoves him again.

“You didn’t think to call me? Or like, text me back? I would have told you everything was fine,” Justin points out.

Zach bites his lip. “I panicked,” he admits.

Justin’s expression softens. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stress you out.”

He genuinely feels bad about it—Alex already seems to be stressed enough for all of them. He knows Zach always worries about Alex, about both of them, just as they do in return. Justin knows his boyfriends worry about him, constantly wondering if he’s on the verge of a relapse. Alex is a similar worry. They don’t know what’s going on his head unless he tells them, and it’s still a fight to get him to open up.

He’s a particular soft spot for Zach, and Justin hates that he made him worry about him.

But Zach only sighs and pulls him into a hug. “How bad was it?”

Justin wraps his arms around him and gives him a squeeze. “Bad,” he sighs. “Screaming, throwing his cane away, crying. The whole show. I knew it was coming when I got here but I didn’t know what it was about and I don’t know how to ask him without making him mad at me.”

“I’m sure you did great,” Zach assures him. “You’re better at taking care of him than you think.”

Justin hums, pressing a kiss to his neck. “Still. I’m glad you’re here now.”

Zach gives him another squeeze and kisses his temple before pulling away. He settles his hand on Justin’s back instead. “Come on,” he sighs, and they head to the sitting room. They find Alex staring at his hands, but at the sound of their footsteps he looks up. He takes in Zach and produces a weak little smile.

There’s no hesitation as Zach walks over to him and scoops him right into his lap. Justin’s heart aches when Alex doesn’t even protest, just cuddles into Zach as he’d cuddled into Justin before. Zach presses a kiss to his head and doesn’t say anything as he hugs him. Justin’s sure he probably wants to, but he isn’t going to push it right now. Not when Alex’s eyes are still red and puffy, when their normal brightness has dimmed. When there’s none of his usual fight or snark in sight. Justin just wants to wrap him up and cuddle him, too, to protect him from his own head. There’s a constant struggle warring in his own, and he sympathizes more than he’d like to admit.

He only notices Zach watching him when he says his name. “C’mere,” he orders. Alex holds out his hand to him.

Justin smiles. He settles next to them, lifting Alex’s legs into his lap and leaning on Zach’s shoulder. Alex reaches for his hand and Justin grips it, the other lying over his shins. Alex smiles, content, and presses closer to Zach’s chest.

Justin does the same and watches him, a feeling of overwhelming fondness spreading through his chest. Not just for Alex, either, but for both of them. He feels like his not so good at showing it, sometimes. Not as forward as Alex or as at ease as Zach. Justin shows his care better through acts of affection, his feelings conveyed in different touches, in each type of kiss. There’s nothing wrong with that, he knows, and he’s able to express himself in words just fine when he needs to.

But Alex and Zach do so much for him, always, and he feels like he isn’t giving back enough. He knows they don’t expect or need anything from him, but he wants to show them how much he cares. How grateful he is for them. It’s not the material things they give him, but the love they have for him even along with their love for each other. He still feels a bit out of place in their relationship. He’s always thought they were so good for each other, and both too good for him. He feels a little like an intruder—a bad influence on a good thing.

He knows they would never want him to feel that way, though, and would do everything to prove him wrong if they knew. They’re always good to him, and more than anything good for him. He’s acutely aware of how lucky he is to have them, of the impossibility of all of it, of them allowing him into their relationship.

He loves them and he wants to find a way to show them. To show Alex how much he believes in him, how grateful he is that Alex believes in him just as much. To show Zach how amazing he is, how much Justin appreciates his steady presence.

He knows Christmas is the perfect opportunity.

He has no fucking idea what gift could possibly show the vastness and strength of his feelings.

He’s going to have to do some thinking.

~^~

Alex is lost on the enigma that is Justin Foley. More importantly, on what to get said enigma.

He knows that, realistically, he could get him anything and it would be if use, Justin would appreciate it. But that only makes Alex want to get him something more substantial, something that reminds Justin he cares about him rather than something material. He knows the Jensen’s will most likely take care of that, anyway. They’ll get him the things he needs, the useful things. Alex wants to get him something that he  _wants_. Something that feels a little more important.

Which is the only reason he’s sitting in the Jensen house with his legs in Clay’s lap.

Well, the reason for that is a little more specific. The reason being they were originally in Justin’s lap, Justin had been called to service, Clay sat down in his place, and Justin deposited Alex’s legs over his. Clay had given him a slightly unimpressed look and a roll of his eyes, but he didn’t push Alex off.

“You’re lucky I like your boyfriend more than I like you and I’m okay with this.”

Justin had retaliated by throwing a small plastic reindeer at his head.

So Clay sits on his phone, elbows resting on Alex’s ankles, as Alex tries to decide what to say. He still isn’t sure of Justin and Clay’s relationship, but he thinks it’s a little bit like the one he used to have with Justin. Constantly bickering that had long since become playful, underlain with a tender care. Of all people to have taken Justin in as a brother, Alex is extremely glad it was Clay. He’s a stark contrast from Bryce, and a massive upgrade. Alex knows how much Justin has grown to care about him, how grateful he is for him and protective he is of him. He thinks their relationship is actually pretty adorable.

Plus, it’s made it that much easier for Alex himself to rebuild a stronger, closer friendship with Clay. It shouldn’t be that hard to ask him a simple question.

“Hey, Clay?”

Clay looks up from his phone. “Alex.”

“Do you know if Justin wants anything for Christmas?”

Clay looks at him as if he’s suddenly sprouted a second head. “Why the hell would I know that?”

“You’re his brother,” Alex waves his hands in exasperation. “He must talk to you occasionally.”

“Yeah, to insult me.”

“That’s not all it is and don’t even bother trying to bullshit with me. He’s been here for months. He actually, weirdly, loves you. I know he talks to you. He must have mentioned something at some point.”

Clay shakes his head. “If he ever has, I can’t think of it. You know him better than I do.”

Alex drops his head against the back of the couch. “But I don’t  _know_. I was counting on you knowing.”

“Well, I don’t.”

Another person entering the room prevents Alex from pushing further, as he looks up to find his boyfriend. Weirdly, though, it isn’t the one that lives here. “Zach?” he questions.

Zach looks surprised to see him. Which, Alex can relate to. “Hey, babe,” Zach greets, glancing between him and Clay. “Where’s Justin?”

“He’s being forced to help Mom in the kitchen because Alex demanded cookies,” Clay informs him. Alex’s protest of, “I didn’t  _demand_  anything,” is drowned out as he adds, “He’ll probably appreciate you saving him.”

“Actually, I’m here to talk to you,” Zach admits.

Clay blinks at him. Alex blinks between them. Zach smiles, uneasy. Unusual.

“I don’t know what he wants for Christmas. If you can’t figure it out yourselves, maybe try putting your heads together. I’m literally the only one in this room that isn’t his boyfriend. If the two of you can’t figure it out, I can’t help you,” Clay says dryly.

Zach looks at him with wide eyes; Alex smacks him; he exclaims, “ _Ow_! What the hell?”

“Wait,” Zach says. He turns his attention to Alex. “You were just asking him, weren’t you?”

Alex huffs. “Don’t pretend like that’s not why you’re here.” Zach holds his hands up in surrender, shrugs—he’s not saying it isn’t. Alex is mad at all of them. Clay’s right—they should know Justin enough for this not to be a problem. Alex is sure that he does, but he’s still pulling a blank on this, and he hates it. He’s a goddamn terrible boyfriend; and apparently, so is Zach.

“It’s obviously why you’re both here,” Clay points out, “and I have no idea why. It’s Justin. Just fucking give him a hug.”

Alex scowls at him. Zach seems to be considering it.

Clay rolls his eyes. “He’ll love whatever you guys get him. Honestly, you wouldn’t even have to get him anything. I don’t think you guys realise how happy you make him. I mean, last Christmas he was homeless. I’m pretty sure none of his Christmases before that were anything special. Being with him is the best present we could give him.”

It doesn’t take long for Alex to realise he’s right. Alex doesn’t know where Justin had been last Christmas. At that point maybe he’d still had money for motels. Maybe he’d been in a shelter. Maybe he’d been begging on the streets.

Alex’s heart aches at just the thought of it. Of Justin hungry, tired, freezing. Alone. Maybe he’d gotten through it by getting high.

Like Clay pointed out, Alex is pretty sure no Christmas before that had been a happy time for Justin like it was for them. It was unlikely there was ever much festivity in Justin’s home, likely that he’d pretty much always spent them alone.

Alex’s chest feels tight and heavy. Zach looks like how he feels. “Thanks for making that depressing point, Clay,” Alex sighs.

Clay smiles apologetically, wincing. “Sorry.”

Zach bites his lip and then says, “I’m going to go give him a hug,” and leaves the room. Alex wants to follow him, but he doesn’t really want to get up, so he sags into the couch again instead. He’ll hug Justin when he comes back in.

“I mean it, you know,” Clay says quietly. “He loves you two. He’ll be really happy just to have you here. The gift, you’ll figure out.”

Alex smiles tiredly. “Thanks, Clay.” Clay pats his ankles.

He has to figure it out. But what do you get the boy who has nothing and means everything?

~^~

“I asked May what I should get Zach.”

Alex is laying on his bed with Justin, the two of them curled together, when Justin makes this admission. Alex lifts his head from his chest to look at him, to gauge whether he’s serious or not. Justin looks sheepish. Alex raises a brow, even though he can’t judge.

Truthfully, he’d done the same.

“Me too,” he admits. “She told me that he had it hard last year, without his dad, but we make it easier. That she thinks what we really need to do is be there.”

Alex is getting a little sick of people telling him that. Of course he wants to be there for them, but Jesus. Obviously he’s going to do that anyway.

Justin huffs a laugh. “She told me the exact same thing.”

Alex sighs and lets his head drop back down onto the other’s chest. “Obviously we’re going to be with him. That doesn’t take care of the gift part.”

“I know, right? It’s like, the most unhelpful thing I’ve ever been told.”

“Exactly!”

Justin shuffles them about, ignoring Alex’s protest, until they’re lying face to face. He brushes a few strands of his hair, which has grown out again, off his forehead. Alex settles under his touch, then grabs his hand before he can retract it and holds it against his chest. “Do you think,” Justin starts, then changes his mind. “Is there anything we could get him that would remind him of his dad? Like, in a good way?”

Alex understands what he means—something that would make Zach think of his father happily, something that would make him feel close to him somehow. Alex supposes there must be. He doesn’t, at this moment, know what it is. “I mean. We could probably think of something. I like that idea, though.”

Justin smiles, and Alex has to kiss him. Justin reciprocates immediately, hand pressing flat over Alex’s heart, still under Alex’s own. Alex releases it to grab at Justin’s waist and pull him closer.

It’s easy, after that. Alex loves kissing them. Where Zach is gentle, Justin gives as good as he gets. Alex appreciates both in equal measure—the reassurance of control, and being treated as equal. Justin kisses him with as much ferocity as Alex assumes he’d kiss anyone else, as he kisses Zach. Like Alex can handle it. Like he isn’t afraid of breaking him, because Alex isn’t fragile.

Alex knows Zach doesn’t view him as fragile, either. Zach kisses him gently because Zach is gentle, especially with the things he loves. Zach kisses languidly, pouring all his care through his lips.

Zach’s affection is a soft warmth that settles into the deepest parts of Alex’s bones. Justin’s is a searing heat shot through his every vein.

A part of his brain still thinks he should feel guilty that he’s thinking of Zach, now, with Justin’s lips on him. Or maybe guilty that Justin’s lips are on him, now, when Zach isn’t here. He forgets sometimes, just for a second. But it always clicks quickly and a thrill runs through him when he remembers he’s  _allowed_  to have these things. That he’s allowed to have these boys, who want him as much as he wants them. It feels a little impossible, when he allows himself to think about it, but Justin’s mouth provides an easy distraction.

It’s on his neck, now, sucking lightly at his skin and Alex realises he’s on his back, realises Justin’s hovering over him. He tilts his head and curls his hands around Justin’s back, pulling him closer, closer, as his stomach flutters.

He remembers the first time they’d gone further than this. He’d been embarrassed and worried and scared and excited all at once. He’d had the irrational fear that Justin would find out he didn’t work properly and no longer want him, though he hadn’t known it was irrational at the time. He knows know that Justin would never have left him because of that.

He hoped it wouldn’t be a problem. It was still temperamental, but surely Justin was attractive enough to breeze past the issue.

But when it came to the actual moment when Alex considered going further a possibility, his immediate fear was undisguisable. He’d been sitting between Zach’s legs (whose lips were gliding over his neck) as he kissed Justin when Justin’s hands drifted to his hips, and Alex froze. They both noticed immediately of course, Justin retracting his hands and both of them retracting their lips as Justin rushed to apologise.

Alex’s cheeks had flamed. “No, it’s not—I mean—it doesn’t—work, sometimes.”

Justin stared at him. “What?”

“It’s—my head injury. It like. Broke it.”

Justin kept staring at him. Then he glanced at Zach, and back to Alex. “So you’ve never…?”

“No, we have,” Zach answered, and Alex was glad, because he was too busy panicking to reply. Justin wasn’t going to want him now, anyway. He was broken. Justin would think so, too, and he would leave. Or, maybe, he would still want Zach. Maybe Zach would realise how broken he was, too, when Justin pointed it out. Maybe they would both leave him. They could still have each other.

Justin pursed his lips. “So it’s not broken. It’s just…temperamental.”

Alex shrugged. “I guess,” he mumbled.

“That sucks, man.” Justin seemed genuinely distressed on his behalf. “So sometimes you can’t even get off?”

Alex blushed darker. “Sometimes I can’t even get up.”

“Shit,” Justin said sympathetically. His eyes flicked to his other boyfriend. “But Zach’s done it.”

Not a question. A statement. A realisation. Zach slid his arms around Alex’s waist and kissed his cheek. Alex could feel his grin. He nodded. Justin hummed thoughtfully. “And the, success rate?”

“A hundred percent,” Alex said instantly, then blushed again. Zach’s grin widened. Justin’s brows rose. “I mean. Once we manage to get that far.”

Justin nodded, then said quietly, “And you…don’t think I can?”

Alex gaped at him. “Are you kidding?” Justin shrugged. “You could’ve done it before you were actually part of this.” Justin lit up and Zach made a little noise. Alex pat his hands even as he rolled his eyes. “Okay, you were literally the one that fixed it, you have zero reason to be offended.”

Zach accepted this, and Justin’s expression shifted suddenly to one of determination. His hands settled below Zach’s arms, at the waistband of Alex’s sweats, and he pressed his lips demandingly against Alex’s. He pushed his chest, and Zach allowed him the leeway to move Alex down and towards him. Hovering over him, Justin nipped at his bottom lip at the same moment he tilted his hips down.

Alex made a noise somewhere between surprise and pleasure and Justin pulled back to look at him, eyes hooded. “I want to try.” He looked to Zach then too, asking both of them permission. “Just me. Can I?”

Alex could only curl a hand around his neck and stare at him with wide eyes. Zach pressed another smiling kiss to Alex’s cheek before sliding away from him and off the bed, settling himself in Alex’s desk chair.

Justin focused back on Alex, hand raising to cup his cheek, thumb stroking over the bone. He pressed another gentle kiss to his lips. He asked, “Okay?” Alex could only nod wordlessly in response.

Since, Justin always seems to feel the need to make a point. To prove himself.

Like Zach, he has a one hundred percent success rate.

The two of them, next to him and over him and under him and surrounding him, is something he would have only allowed himself to imagine in his most desperate moments. Now, he’s experienced both of them, there, and whether they’re with him or not his problem has become almost nonexistent.

Justin’s rocks his hips down now as he nips at his neck and Alex lets out that same surprised, pleased sound and then a breathless laugh. “We were talking about Zach,” Alex reminds him, though it’s almost impossible to make a real protest. Zach won’t mind, he knows, none of them do, but he always misses them anyway when they’re not there.

Justin only hums, promises, “We’ll make it up to him. It can be the start of his Christmas present.” Then he kisses Alex again, moves his mouth over his cheek until he reaches his ear. “Consider this the start of yours.”

Alex makes another noise and mutes it by bringing Justin’s mouth back to his.

They make it up to Zach.

~^~

It’s been months, and Justin is still so damn skinny.

Zach has been doing his best, he really has, to get him back up to full health. But Justin had suffered so much that it was taking more work than originally expected. It was a lengthy process.

When Clay had dragged Justin back initially, he was already down to skin and bones—then he’d had to spend a month in jail. It was when he got out that Zach approached him about getting back into shape. At the start, he couldn’t understand why nothing was really happening.

Then they discovered Justin was still using, and he understood.

Justin’s addiction had been the biggest damage to his system, and it was impossible to even begin to fix it when he was still intent on destroying it. It had taken a couple of months for him to even start to recover, and that had been mainly thanks to the Jensens. Zach had hated seeing him at that time, run down and disheartened, constantly fighting a battle with himself. It was the same pain he felt when seeing Alex on his bad days, and there are still times he feels it for them both.

He always felt so helpless. Useless. He wanted to make it better, somehow, and he couldn’t.

That’s the main thing that’s changed.

He knows he helps now. On Alex’s bad days, even Justin calls on him. It’s not necessary, though he knows Justin is, in that way, softer than him. He comes close to crying himself before Alex sheds a single tear, and his comfort is reassurance and warmth. Zach is perfectly capable of that, but more often than not what Alex needs is a little tough love. Justin probably could give it to him, but their too similar in their temperaments for it to end well. Alex would fight back, with Justin, if pushed the slightest inch the wrong way. He rarely directs his anger at Zach. When Zach pushes, Alex listens, and seems to be able to contain his fight inside himself.

There’s rarely any real fight in Justin, on the bad days. There may be snappy words or moody silences, but often, Justin’s pain settles down to sadness. It isn’t the sharp, roaring anger that takes over Alex. It’s quiet tears and shaky hands and tugging at hair, until Alex or Zach or both are there to bear it with him. Often, being there with Justin is enough.

Which Zach is always more than happy to do, but he wants to do that bit more. He can’t have his boyfriend withering away.

Plus, Justin’s always worked out shirtless.

Zach doesn’t let him bench press anything too heavy. It’s difficult to focus on spotting him with him lying there half naked under Zach like he is now. Zach doesn’t want to kill him because he was distracted by his chest.

Though it is extremely distracting. His biceps, his pecs, his abs; they all flex with each movement. There’s small beads of sweat on his bare skin, usually pale but currently flushed. He looks hot, in every sense of the word. Zach wonders if he’d feel it, if his skin would be warm to the touch. If it would get hotter under his hands. He wants to trace every bump and groove with his fingers, his lips, his tongue —

“Hey,” Justin says, voice strained. “Can you stop ogling me for a sec and take the bar?”

Zach snaps back to attention, fingers wrapping around the metal and settling it back on its hold with a sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

Justin only grins and sits up, rolling his head before reaching up to rub at his neck. Zach leans forward to put his hands on his shoulders, squeezing carefully before digging his thumbs into the muscle. Justin lets his own hand drop, head falling forward as he lets out an appreciative sigh. Zach kneads at his shoulders for a while, thumbs brushing his nape and palms smoothing over his shoulder blades until the tension drains away.

Then Justin tilts his head back against Zach’s stomach, hair tickling his skin. He’d removed Zach’s shirt, too, within the first five minutes. His hands had drifted to the hem almost thoughtlessly until Zach had raised an eyebrow at him. “What, you’d rather it get all sweaty?”

“This is supposed to be  _your_  training session.”

“So the least you could do is give me some incentive.”

He’d danced his fingertips over Zach’s skin before hiking the shirt up to his armpits. Zach frowned at him, unimpressed, for as long as he could. Which was approximately eight seconds with Justin’s hands on his skin, amused smirk on his face and eyes sparkling. After that, Zach reluctantly raised his arms over his head with a sigh and let the garment be cast aside.

Now, Justin catches his hands and brings them down over his chest, tilting his chin up questioningly. Zach ducks down to oblige, kissing him softly, quickly, even as Justin protests when he pulls away.

“No,” Zach says firmly. “You’re not kissing your way out of this. Stop trying to distract me.”

The other boy just grins again, standing up to steal another swift kiss before sauntering away. Zach follows him over to the bench where they’d left their water, hip-checking him and earning a huff. “You’re worse than Alex,” Zach mutters.

Justin smiles, leaning against the wall and twisting the cap of his bottle. Zach picks up his own and takes a sip. “Speaking of Alex,” Justin says, “do you know what you’re getting him for Christmas?”

Zach winces. He does not. Still. “I have no fucking idea.”

Justin appears to sag in relief. “Me either,” he admits. He drops on to the bench, and Zach sits down next to him. “I mean, everything seems so insignificant, or something. And I know he’s still struggling and I don’t want to get something stupid that will make him feel bad, but I don’t want to get something careful either, y’know? I want to get him something that shows him I still have faith in him.” He ducks his head. “I don’t know, maybe that’s stupid.”

“Hey,” Zach says softly, bumping their shoulders. “Of course it’s not stupid. It’s the exact reason I haven’t been able to think of anything.”

Justin looks up at him. “Really?”

Zach nods. “Maybe—Maybe it would be better if we got him something together?”

Justin bites his lip. “Do you think that would be okay? Like it doesn’t make it, less important or something, like we didn’t wanna bother putting in the effort?”

“No,” Zach says, after a moment of consideration. “I think it makes it more important, in a way. To remind him that we both love him. That we’re a unit.”

He knows their relationship isn’t conventional, is reminded of it with every wary or thoughtful look in the hall. Those are the nice expressions, too; the others, those that make his chest feel tight and imprint themselves in his brain, are judgemental or even disgusted. Hateful. In those moments, he seeks out Alex or Justin or both and feels everything in him settle when he finds them. It isn’t strange to them, and that’s enough.

Now, Justin looks at him with a soft smile and bumps their shoulders again, shaking his head. “You’re such a fucking teddy bear,” he teases.

Zach digs his elbow into his side, regretting it when Justin squirms away and hooking an arm around his waist to pull him back to him. He presses a soft kiss to the skin just below his jaw. “But I’m a way better cuddler and I have bonus settings.” He punctuates this point with another kiss, over Justin’s racing pulse, warm and wet.

He’s awarded with a muttered curse and flushed cheeks. He lifts his head as Justin turns towards him and presses his lips to his. Apparently even red faced, he’s not deterred from a little PDA. Not that it’s very public—it’s a quiet gym, and there’s currently no one near them, but that could change at any moment. It’s clear Justin doesn’t care as he knots his fingers in Zach’s hair, pressing closer, and as much as Zach longs to let him continue, he presses firm hands on his shoulders.

“You’re not distracting me with kisses,” Zach reiterates firmly when Justin pouts at him. Justin only pouts more, bottom lip jutting out dejectedly. Adorably. Zach clears his throat and stands up, shaking the thoughts from his mind. “Come on.” He holds a hand out.

Justin takes it with an exaggerated sigh and lets himself be dragged to the pull up bars. Zach sets a little footstool in front of one of them and stands on it, testing. His chin is the slightest distance above the bar.

He looks back to Justin, who’s watching him with raised brows. “Every time you can manage to get yourself up this far, you can kiss me. That motivating enough?” Zach asks.

Justin grins. He steps up to the opposite side and wraps his hands around the bar. “Devious teddy bear,” he mutters.

~^~

It’s gotten very easy to distract Zach during PT, ever since the development in their relationship. Occasionally now, there’s also the added bonus of Justin being there. Zach has basically no hope during those sessions. He pretty much gives up before he begins. Other times, though, Alex takes their combined presence as motivation. They’re both encouraging and lovely and amusing and it certainly makes the ordeal easier.

This time, though, it’s only Zach, and Alex is tired. He’s prepared to do anything to get off this goddamn bike.

His legs move sluggishly, slipping off the pedals. His arms are trembling. His head hurts and he’s out of breath. Zach’s standing in front of him, murmuring words of encouragement every now and again. Alex is only pushing through by staring at him, distracting himself with all the dips and planes of Zach’s body, watching droplets of water slide slowly down his skin. He imagines licking them off and the ache he feels everywhere softens into something more pleasant.

He stops moving his legs and slumps forward far enough that his head touches Zach’s chest. “I’m done,” he mutters. “I can’t do anymore.”

To his surprise, Zach doesn’t protest. He just says, “Okay,” and gently cups the back of Alex’s head. “You did good. I know it sucks and you hate it but you are improving. You know that, right?”

Alex makes a dismissive noise. After a moment, though, he lifts his head. “You know I really appreciate you?”

Zach smiles, wide and bright, lighting up his whole face. He steps closer, nuzzling Alex’s cheek before kissing it softly. “I guess I appreciate you, too.” The words are spoken against his skin, too soft to even be considered teasing.

Alex hums and laughs lightly, feels Zach smile, and then they’re kissing properly. Alex sighs into the other’s mouth as Zach’s hands drift to his waist, carefully pulling him off the bike. He moves them and then Alex’s back is pressed against the wall and his legs are being guided around Zach’s hips.

For a gesture that should be forceful, heated, it’s neither. It’s still soft, still careful. Alex isn’t trapped between Zach and the wall, he’s encased. There’s just enough pressure to keep him in place, Zach’s hands holding the undersides of his thighs. Their kiss should be passionate, but it’s not. It’s soft and slow and soothing and it settles something deep in Alex’s chest.

The water shifts strangely around them, between them, making the slide of hands smoother and helping in keeping Alex in place. Alex feels like he’s floating in more ways than one, the heaviness that had been dragging down his bones and mind impossibly lightened.

Zach’s fingertips glide over his skin, lips parting around tongues, and Alex makes a noise like a sigh into Zach’s mouth. He feels Zach smile, and he presses closer for one blissful moment before pulling away. Alex doesn’t let him go far, hands twisting in his hair and lips moving to his cheek, his jaw, down his neck.

“We really shouldn’t be doing this here,” Zach says. He sounds breathless, but mostly contained. Alex would enjoy changing that. He darts his tongue into the dip of Zach’s collarbone, just as he’d been imaging before. Zach makes a helpless little sound. “Alex,” he warns.

Alex grins. He presses one last kiss to the curve of Zach’s shoulder before just resting his head there, adjusting his arms so they’re loosely wound around the other’s shoulders.

Zach huffs. “I can’t stand here and hold you up forever.”

“You probably could and I find that really hot,” Alex says, matter-of-factly, and Zach pinches his thigh. Alex laughs. “Okay, fine, just set me on the edge of the pool then. I don’t wanna leave yet.”

“You’ll freeze,” Zach protests. He probably has a point. They’ve had to move to the indoor pool, which has an excellent heating system, proper changing rooms, and very few people at any time. Still, they tend to wait until evening when most everyone else is safely tucked inside in front of their fires. Alex hasn’t felt any cold at any of their sessions thus far. Zach provides enough warmth.

“Just for a while,” Alex argues. Then, “Please.”

Zach heaves a sigh. “You’ll be the death of me,” he mutters, as he hoists him up until his butt is perched on the wall, legs dangling in the water either side of Zach’s shoulders.

Alex reaches out to touch his shoulders, the top of his arms. “I don’t understand,” he mumbles. Zach grins. Then he pushes himself right up, face level with Alex’s, and pecks him softly on the lips. He holds himself there to meet Alex’s eyes, kiss his nose, then slower lower himself back into the water, kissing down Alex’s body as he goes. His arms barely tremble.

“Show off,” Alex admonishes when he’s settled again. He admits, “I’m very attracted to you right now.”

Zach grins again, brighter, and raises a teasing brow. “You’re not always attracted to me? Because,” he turns his head to kiss Alex’s thigh, earning a hitched breath, “your reactions always gave me a different impression.”

Alex kicks his chest lightly, water splashing with the movement. Zach laughs and grabs Alex’s hips, leaning his head on his leg as he looks up at him. “You’re adorable, you know that?” Zach pokes him.

“Nope. Take it back.”

“Sorry, can’t do that.”

“You better.”

“Nope. That would be retracting honesty, my conscience would never allow it.”

Alex snorts. “Fuck your conscience.”

“I’m not sure how that would work. I can give you something else to fuck though,” Zach wiggles his brows.

“Oh my  _god_.” Alex uses one hand to shove Zach’s face and the other to cover his own as heat floods his cheeks. Zach laughs, the loud sound muffled under Alex’s palm, and Alex shakes his head fondly. “You’re worse than Justin. How are you worse than Justin?”

Zach shrugs, grins wider. “The student becomes the master.”

Alex huffs, still shaking his head. “You’re a dork,” he informs him.

“Maybe, but I’m your dork.”

“Oh. My. God. I actually hate you.”

“Love you too,” Zach smiles, too soft and honest to be considered a grin this time. Alex’s heart clenches strangely in his chest, and he can’t stop the smile that overtakes his own lips. He pushes a hand into Zach’s hair, fiddling with the strands. He tilts Zach’s head back and leans down, Zach’s hands around him holding him steady. He kisses him softly, a pleasant warmth spilling over his chest.

He pulls back, keeping the hand in Zach’s hair, and whispers, “Ditto.”

Zach laughs, loud and bright, and Alex grins at him. Zach coaxes him down to kiss him again, and when Alex pulls back this time it’s only far enough to rest their foreheads together. Zach’s eyes are still closed, presenting Alex with the opportunity to lightly kiss his eyelids. “Do you think,” he asks, “Justin really believes we love him, too?”

It feels like a stupid question, when he says it out loud, but it’s a strange relief to. It’s been gnawing at him for a while now, the impossible possibility of it. Justin has been through so much, with very few people who showed him true, genuine love. Even though he’s never met her, Alex hates his sorry excuse for a mother and her even worse excuse of a boyfriend. He hates thinking about them at all, tries his hardest not to, of all the hurt they’ve left Justin with.

Then there’s Bryce, who Alex despises almost more than the other two combined, for a larger combination of reasons. He was Justin’s closest ‘friend’ for so long, and Justin had really thought of that friendship as real. He’d been, for a while, all Justin thought he had. The one constant, that he could always rely on. To be crushed so brutally by that person—Alex can’t imagine what it felt like.

The only person who had ever really loved him, before, was Jessica. Justin had loved her more than anything in return, and it was that overwhelming feeling of real emotion that had broken him so completely.

None of Justin’s previous relationships with any of the people in his life have ended well. Alex is determined to change that.

The Jensen’s have provided a safety for him—body, mind, and heart—that Alex is immensely thankful for. With the length of time he’s been with them now, he’s a central part to the family. They love him truthfully and unconditionally, in the way Alex and Zach do.

The difference is in whether or not Justin  _knows_.

“You really think there’s a chance he doesn’t?” Zach questions, seeming crestfallen.

Alex lets out a pained sigh, leans back. “I don’t know. It worries me,” he admits. Zach doesn’t respond right away, so he continues. “I mean. It’s not the most normal situation, y’know? We—we were together first. What if he thinks that means we’ll always love each other more than him, or something? Like it’s us plus him, not all of us, together. I know we don’t act like that, but it’s—I know insecurities, and I know Justin has them, and I started thinking about this and then I couldn’t stop.”

Zach reaches up to where Alex’s hand rests on his neck and takes it in his own, locking and unlocking their fingers, tracing them and the lines of his palm. Alex has come to notice it’s somewhat of a nervous or thoughtful habit and does nothing to hinder or stop it. “I don’t like that idea,” he says, voice slightly strangled.

“Me either,” Alex agrees quietly. The tiredness and ache he’d felt in his whole body has repossessed him, feeling even heavier after the lightness he’d felt moments ago.

The other boy is quiet for a few minutes. Then he shakes his head, squeezing Alex’s hand. “I’m sure he knows. We just have to keep showing him. That’s what we should base his Christmas present on.”

Alex smiles, feeling slightly relieved, some of the strain in his heart relaxing. “Okay,” he says, grateful, and Zach squeezes his hand again.

“Okay,” Zach echoes. “Now let’s get out of here before you freeze to death.”

Alex scoffs, but lets Zach drag him to the changing rooms once he’s pulled himself out.

~^~

Justin is feeling so much he’s not sure he’s really feeling anything. He feels anxious and nervous and excited and sad and happy, all at once. He’s been preparing to feel the itch under his skin; it’s surprisingly, relievingly absent. The happiness is somehow overriding everything else. He only feels everything else vaguely, in passing. A muted hum in his psyche, dulled by the pure feeling of contentment.

Which is why when he finds Clay—tucking last minute gifts under the tree—he wraps his arms around him from behind in a hug, lifting him right off his feet. The present Clay was still holding falls with a rattle as he yelps in surprise. “Fuck, Justin!”

“Sorry,” Justin says, not really feeling it. He sets Clay back on his feet but doesn’t remove his arms, holding tight around his shoulders.

Clay reaches up to pat them. “You good?”

Justin hums. “It’s fucking Christmas.” He can hear the bliss in his own voice, and Clay laughs gently. Justin lets him go, only slightly reluctantly, and Clay crouches down to retrieve the fallen gift. He examines it before gingerly setting it in with the others.

He stands and turns to Justin, smile taking over his features. “You seem happy,” he notes.

“I feel happy.” Even as he says it out loud, he can’t quite believe it.

Clay shakes his head, amused. “It’s not even actually Christmas yet.”

It’s Christmas Eve, though. Close enough. “It’s Christmas,” Justin insists.

Clay only shakes his head again, then rubs the back of his neck. “I wanted to uh—to talk to you about something.”

Justin’s mood instantly dampened, his chest seized by anxiety. Clay doesn’t look upset, though, or angry, or anything that could overall be considered bad. There’s maybe a little worry, something like apprehension. He’d been smiling a moment ago. So all Justin says is, “Okay.”

He follows Clay when he walks over and sits on the couch. He leans slightly forward, hands pressed together and hanging between his knees. Justin attempts to be more relaxed, settling back against the cushions with his hands in his lap.

“Mom heard about this case recently. Some guy was arrested on a bunch of charges—drug use, dealing, theft, some kind of violence. I think. She looked into it and it—it was Seth,” Clay explains.

Justin stiffens. He hasn’t heard or spoken that name in so long. It doesn’t mean he’s forgotten, not at all, but he’d left it as far behind him as he could. Seth, his mother, Bryce—they’re all people Justin doesn’t think will ever really leave him. They’re all frequent features in his sleep, still, haunting him when his eyes close and he’s forced to relinquish control. It doesn’t bother him as much anymore. The frequency has definitely decreased, and reality wraps around him the second he wakes up. They’re, at the very least, not directly in his life anymore.

He’s praying that that hasn’t changed.

His brain flicks over what Clay said again, and he pauses on one particular part, his breath catching. Some kind of violence. His mother….

“What are you telling me?” Justin gets out, voice tight.

Clay’s fingers lock together. “He was sentenced, Justin. He’s doing jail time. Five years. In a prison in a different state.”

Justin’s breath whooshes out of him. Seth, arrested. Seth, sentenced. Seth, in a different state. Gone.

He lets out a breathless laugh. “You—you’re serious?”

“I’m serious,” Clay smiles slightly.

Something in Justin’s chest, some weight that has always been there, suddenly crumbles like dust. Even out of that house, he still never felt entirely safe. Seth has always hated him, and the last thing Justin did was steal from him. There was always the chance that Seth would seek payback; Justin refused to think otherwise just because time had passed.

But now he’s  _gone_.

His happiness dips as he realises Clay didn’t really answer the question he wants answered. “You said violence. Wha—who did—“

He can’t get the words out, can’t find them, doesn’t want to have to form his thoughts, his worries, out loud. Clay seems to understand and rests a reassuring hand over Justin’s. “Another dealer, as far as I know,” Clay clarifies. Justin relaxes. Amber Foley has always been a weak excuse for a mother, but she’s his. She’s rooted right in his DNA, is the only person Justin’s ever known that shares the blood in his own veins. No matter how much he hates her, Justin always has and always will love her.

“Your mom—she wants to see you, Justin. I don’t think she’s doing great, alone, and we were talking about it and we understand if you want to go see her. If you want to spend Christmas with her, or even stay with her for a while, that’s okay. I mean, obviously we don’t want you to. Leave I mean. Not that I don’t want you to spend time with your mom. Just, you know, we’d rather you stay with us. But if you want to. It’s your choice,” Clay babbles.

Justin’s heart aches and warms simultaneously. A part of him hurts at the thought of his mother hurting. Alone—abandoned. Admittedly, it’s a small part. A bigger part feels an awful satisfaction that she might now understand at least the smallest fraction of what he’s felt.

The largest part of him knows that he has never looked forward to Christmas, until now. Until the Jensens.

Justin worries his lip between his teeth. “I—I think that I should go see her.” An immediate look of disappointment and worry falls over Clay’s face, before Justin adds, “in a few days. Just to make sure she’s okay.”

Clay is quite obviously relieved, and Justin feels an irrational joy at the notion. “Okay. Sure. That’s fine.”

“You didn’t really think I was going to leave, did you?” Justin’s brow furrows. Clay shrugs, looking down at his hands. “She might’ve given birth to me, but I don’t think of her as my mom anymore, Clay. She was one of the few people I had, before. I needed her. I don’t feel like that anymore. I—I haven’t felt like that for a really long time.”

Clay smiles at him. “That’s good. I keep worrying that we’re not, doing enough. That you’d still be happier somewhere else.”

“Yeah but you’re a fucking idiot,” Justin punches his shoulder, grinning. “There’s nowhere else I’d be happier, Clay. I’m not—I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. I don’t remember ever being excited about Christmas. About anything except getting away for as long as I could. And even then, the places I ended up in weren’t much better. I’ve never had people that—that care about like the three of you. I’m not stupid enough to consider giving that up anymore. This is the first time I’ve felt like this, ever. So. Thank you.”

Justin’s voice gets quieter as he goes, the grin falling from his lips into something a lot softer as he drops his gaze to his hands. He’s so grateful for them, and he feels suddenly terrible at the thought of them not knowing. He loves them in a way he’s never loved anyone else, Matt and Lainie and Clay. His parents. His brother. He wouldn’t give them up for the world.

Clay knocks his knee with his own. Justin looks up, and Clay looks at him for half a second before pulling him into a hug when he notices his eyes are watering. Justin locks his arms around him in return, pressing his face into his shoulder.

He remembers how this felt, the first few times. He’d initiated the very first, and immediately regretted it, before Clay hugged him back. Clay was awkward about it, like he was awkward about everything, and Justin was overthinking it, like he overthought everything. He was wondering if he was holding on too tight or for too long, while wanting to hold on tighter for longer. Even then, Clay made him feel okay in a way he wasn’t used to. Like he could hold on even if it was weird and awkward and Clay might be sarcastic about it but he wouldn’t mind. Not really.

Since then, they’ve adjusted to it. It’s evolved into what it is now, into something with a lot more ease. They’ve found how to comfortably fit. Justin finds it all too easy to lean into his brother, and there’s no awkwardness in Clay now. He holds Justin tight, squeezing when one of Justin’s breaths come a little funny.

“You know we love you, don’t you?” Clay says, and Justin releases another funny breath as he nods into his shoulder. Clay squeezes him tighter for a moment before sitting back. They’re both smiling, now. “Okay, hang on, I can give you this now.”

Justin watches as he stands up and heads out the door, hears his footsteps as he bounds up the stairs. He’s back in a minute, slightly out of breath. He hands Justin an envelope made of Christmas paper.

Justin eyes it and then Clay, brow raised. Clay just stands there, smiling, gesturing for Justin to open it. Justin does and pulls out a few folded sheets of paper. He straightens them out, then stares.

“I know it’s been official for months now anyway, but we thought you might want a copy,” Clay explains.

A copy of his adoption papers. Physically proof that he’s one of them. That Clay really is his brother. That Lainie and Matt are his parents. He’s still staring at them, and he looks back up at Clay, feeling his eyes water.

“We didn’t want to give them to you before telling you about your mom. We wanted it to be your choice, without us influencing you in anyway. But you should definitely repeat exactly what you said to me to them because I’m positive Mom will cry and give you hugs for the rest of the day. Dad too, probably.”

Justin grins through the couple of tears now sliding lightly down his face, letting out a breathless laugh. Clay carefully wipes a tear away before it can fall, and Justin’s on his feet, hugging him again.

“Thank you,” he says, heart thrumming. “Thank you, Clay.”

Clay squeezes him. “Merry Christmas, Jensen,” he teases softly.

~^~

“Hey, Mom, can I talk to you about something?”

Zach almost has to force the words out. His chest feels tight, and he doesn’t really want to do this. He reminds himself, though, that the alternative is worse. He doesn’t want to lie anymore. He’s done enough lying, enough hiding, for a lifetime.

His mother looks up at him, smiling. It’s still slightly tight. Still doesn’t exactly reach her eyes. Still not really real. But it’s better than nothing, too, he reminds himself. “What is it?”

“Uhm,” Zach hesitates. “After dinner tomorrow, Alex’s family is going to the Jensen’s. I’m gonna go and take May. I was wondering if—if you’d want to come, too.”

His mother blinks, her smile growing a little tighter. “Oh,” she says. “Well, I have nothing to take over. If I’d had more notice…”

Zach closes his eyes. He tries not to feel too disappointed. “You don’t have to take anything. The Jensen’s won’t mind.”

“Honey, it’s simply not good manners to show up empty handed.“

“Then take one of the desserts,” he pleads. “There’s too many for us to eat anyway. If anything, Alex and Justin will both be happy with it.”

She still doesn’t look slightly convinced. “There’s no reas—“

“They’re my boyfriends,” Zach blurts. His mother stares at him. “Alex and Justin. They—they’re my boyfriends. We’re dating. The three of us. And I—I would really like you to come tomorrow, knowing that, and spend time with them.”

She raises a hand to cover her mouth. Zach’s heart aches when she turns, looking away from him. Of course he shouldn’t have told her. He knew this was a bad idea. Of course she wouldn’t support them. Of course she wouldn’t accept it. It doesn’t matter how much she’s improved again. How much closer they get again. She could never love him the way that he is. She could never love the truth of him. She could never love the people he loves.

A quiet sob falls from her lips. “I didn’t know,” she whispers. “I—my own son, and I didn’t know.” She looks back at him. “How long?”

“Alex, six months, now. Justin, half of that,” he says quietly.

She lets out another sob. “Six months,” she says, disbelievingly. Then, “Are they why? Are they why you’ve been so much happier?”

Zach nods, not letting himself say anything else. Not letting himself think or feel anything. Not yet. Not until he’s sure of what’s happening.

His mother’s hands come to cup his face. “My baby boy. Why didn’t you tell me?” Zach only shakes his head, feeling his own eyes start to water. “Oh, honey.”

She pulls him into a hug, and it’s so foreign, has been so long, that Zach can’t stop the dam from breaking. His mother holds him tightly, and he reaches his arms around her, tucking her small form to his chest. He folds into her, bending his head against her shoulder, and she cradles it with a hand in his hair.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers. She’s still crying, too. “I’m so sorry you couldn’t tell me. I’m so sorry I didn’t know how to let you.”

Zach sniffs, gives a slight shake of his head. “It’s okay,” he mumbles.

“No. I know it’s not, and I’m so sorry, honey.”

Zach can only keep crying into her shoulder. He isn’t even sure why he’s crying. He isn’t sure what he’s feeling. He thinks that might be the cause of his tears—the overwhelming sensation of so many emotions at once. The main one, the one that’s easiest to pick out, is a bone deep relief. He has never, ever been so relieved that he was wrong. It’s mixed with disbelief, with the notion that this must be a dream. He doesn’t remember the last time his mother hugged him.

But she hugs him now, tight, and cards her hand through his hair, and kisses his temple. She still whispers a stream of apologies in his ear, and Zach clings tighter, hands curling in her jacket. She doesn’t hate him, she doesn’t hate him, she doesn’t hate him.

“If they make you happy, Zach, then I’m happy for you. I’m so happy for you, honey.”

Zach lets out a shuddering breath and she pulls away to cup his face again. Her thumbs stroke over his cheeks, wiping away the tears. She smiles, so he smiles back. “Does May know?” she asks, voice gentle.

Zach nods, lets out a small laugh. “She likes them almost as much as I do. I think she has a crush on them.”

Her smile widens, and Zach’s heart thrums with a pleasant joy. “Well, it seems you’re not in a position to judge,” she teases, and Zach is so startled that he laughs again.

“No,” he agrees. “I don’t blame her.”

His tears have stopped, and his mother’s smile has softened, her thumbs still stroking his cheeks. “I know that I haven’t been here. For either of you. I’ve been trying. I promise that I’ll do better.”

Zach nods, blinking as his eyes start to prickle again. “Me too,” he promises. He drops his gaze a little. “Maybe…maybe you could start by coming with me tomorrow.”

He looks up when her hands fall to squeeze his shoulders. “I would love to,” she says softly. He grins, the tightness in his chest dissipating completely when she pulls him into another hug. “I love you,” she states, voice strong next to his ear, and he hugs her tighter.

She loves him, she loves him, she loves him.

~^~

Alex quite likes their tree.

It’s tall and full, covered in all sorts of bright decorations, glowing a collage of colours. There’s multiple sets of twinkling lights strung around it, as there are ropes of tinsel. A gold star sits proudly on top.

He sits curled on the couch as he looks at it, waiting for the rest of his family to get ready. It almost reaches the roof, and he remembers watching Peter and his dad struggling to strap it on to the trailer. Laughing at his father’s curses, his brother’s own silent laughter. He smiles at the memory, shaking his head in amusement at the images.

There’s no presents under it at this point, them all having opened them earlier this morning before dinner. His mom had even gotten an array of desserts. More surprisingly, she’d allowed Alex to eat them. As much as he enjoyed it at the time, he’s so stuffed now he doesn’t want to move.

Only, he does, because they’re getting ready to go to the Jensens’.

His mother comes in, prettily dressed in a glittery red dress, flowy with sleeves right down to her wrists. He feels suddenly underdressed in his usual jeans-shirt-and-cardigan ensemble, then remembers where they’re going and decides she’s probably overdressed. Still, though, she’s smiling brightly and he’s too happy himself to point that out.

She smooths down his hair when she reaches him, and he doesn’t even swat her away. “Ready to go?”

He nods, getting up with his cane tucked under his hand.

The drive is short, and they’re actually a little earlier than they planned, but Justin still answers the door immediately when they arrive. Carolyn pulls him into a hug first with a cherry, “Merry Christmas,” and Alex can’t even feel miffed about it. He’ll get his turn.

He’s the last to, though, after his dad and then Peter, and Justin is just as eager as he is by that time, pulling him right through the doorway into his arms. Alex laughs, hearing Lainie and his mother greet each other distantly, his focus on Justin. He brushes a soft kiss over Alex’s temple, lips grazing his ear as he whispers, “Merry Christmas.”

Alex leans back to kiss him properly, returning the sentiment against his lips. Justin grins, kissing him again. He pulls back to reach into his pocket, pulling out a sprig of mistletoe. “I didn’t even need this,” he muses, raising his brows at Alex.

Alex scoffs, picking it out of his hand. “As if you really thought you would.” He holds it over his head instead, raising a brow back, laughing as Justin peppers kisses over his face.

“Gross,” Clay says cheerfully, and when they turn to look he’s smiling. Alex laughs at him, too, and goes to give him a hug. Clay returns it easily, and then Justin is pulling Alex back to him, kissing his cheek. Alex leans into him, always feeling steadier with Justin than with his cane.

There’s another knock on the door, and Justin and Alex separate as Clay goes to open it. They’re dragged back together almost instantly as May slips inside and latches onto them both. Justin laughs and Alex grins, sliding an arm around her as Justin does the same. She smiles up at them before skipping in to the others.

Alex is almost immediately pulled into another hug, and his eyes widen when he realises who it is. Mrs Dempsey hugs him carefully, and Alex wraps his own arm around her after a moment of hesitation. He finds Zach over her shoulder, but he doesn’t meet his eyes, gaze focused on his mother. He looks equally surprised, but there’s a tiny, unbidden smile on his lips. It widens when she releases Alex only to wrap her arms around Justin, who looks shocked enough to bust a blood vessel. Still, being the puppy he is, he returns it warmly and thanks her for coming, joking good-naturedly when she offers him the dessert in her hands.

Alex knew she was coming, but he still can’t quite believe it. Zach had video-called them last night, teary but smiling with a pure happiness. He’d told them he was going to do it, and Alex spent the whole day worried, hoping for the best even as more and more doubt crept in. Then he called, buzzing with joy and relief, and Justin was glowing with a similar happiness. All of Alex’s worries slid away, the space taken up by his love for these boys, the relief and contentment he felt himself.

Seeing Mrs Dempsey here, now, laughing easily with Justin, that feeling is brought back with full force, leaving him grinning. Zach meets his eyes this time, and then he’s grinning too, pulling them both into his arms as his mother heads off into the kitchen. He’s big enough that the two of them are able to huddle into his chest, press their faces to his shoulders. He grips them tightly and they grip back, lifting their heads in unison to kiss his cheeks.

Zach smiles brightly, kisses them both in turn, and sighs out, “Finally.” It earns giggles from the other two, stupid and happy, and Alex knows they both agree.

They all gather in the kitchen for a while, the adults chatting about this and that as the rest of them decide to go outside before settling down. Alex feels a little hesitant, wondering how much fun sitting on the porch can be, but then May is taking his hand and squeezing, smiling Zach’s smile up at him. He lets her lead him out.

There’s a few inches of snow blanketing the ground, and it’s still falling softly, flurries of snowflakes dusting everything white. The air is cold, and it bites at Alex’s cheeks, ruffles his hair. His bundled up in the puffiest coat his mother could find, a scarf draped around his neck. There’s warm gloves on his hands, slipping over his cane, and before he got through the door Justin pulled a woolly hat over his head. There’s a ridiculous, even woolier bauble on the top, yet Alex resists the urge to tug it off. It is pleasantly warm.

He leans against the fence just outside the door and watches as Zach and May start to build a snowman, Clay attempting to show Justin how to do the same. Zach and May’s ends up considerably more impressive, Clay and Justin too busy bickering to put in the same effort. Still, there’s a bright smile on Justin’s face, his eyes glittering, and Alex doubts he’s ever done this before.

After Alex deems Zach and May winners, the four of them turn to a more heated competition. May starts it, molding a ball of snow and lobbing it at Zach’s back. Zach yelps in surprise, and the war begins.

Alex watches with a smile on his face as Justin tackles Clay into the snow, the two of them laughing even as Clay curses. He looks down, shuffling his feet in the snow with a sigh. His mother had fussed over him this morning, refusing to drift from his side until he was safely down the driveway and into the car, then safely out of the car and up to the door.

He looks up when a snowball hits his arm. Justin’s smiling at him, though he looks concerned. “Come on, Standall,” he calls. “You’re the most competitive one here.”

Thankfully, that’s all the convincing he does before Clay throws a snowball at the back of his head. He’s then sufficiently distracted, and Alex has time to consider.

After a moment, he leans his cane carefully against the fence.

He shifts away from the support of it, the snow shifting around his feet to accommodate. Then, he takes a hesitant step forward. Lifts his right leg the tiniest amount and sets it back down a few inches in front of his left. He’s trembling, slightly, his legs shaking, but he feels steady enough.

His left leg feels heavier, as always, less willing to listen to his instructions, but he lifts it forward enough to slightly overtake his right. His hands are shaking, too. He inches his right foot forward again.

His eyes are trained down, watching the movement of his feet carefully. Raising, moving forward, sinking back into the snow. The three steps have barely moved him forward a foot, but he’s moving, walking, without his cane.

He lets out a breathless laugh.

“Alex!” It’s Zach, looking at him with wide eyes and slight panic. Alex looks back at him and realises how hard and fast his heart is thumping. He’s used to an erratic heartbeat, quickened by panic or anger or pain, skipping in sadness or happiness, but never this. It’s been so long since he felt this. Adrenaline and fear and determination and joy. Just from taking a few steps on his own.

Zach looks ready to rush towards him to help, but then Justin’s there, placing a halting hand on his arm. “Don’t,” he says. “He’s got this. Go close to him, just in case, but don’t stop him.” Then he looks at Alex, and holds his arms out. Alex looks back at him, heart thumping faster, and Justin gives him an encouraging smile and nod.

Zach moves to hover next to his side, but he keeps enough distance that Alex has room to move on his own. Not forcing his help on him, but there if Alex needs him. Just in case. It doesn’t make Alex angry, anymore.

He feels a little more pressure know that he knows they’re watching him, sure that Clay and May are too. But even if he fumbles, they won’t care. They won’t think less of him. They’ll be proud of him just for trying. Zach will be there to catch him.

But his heart is still pumping adrenaline, still filled with determination, and the moment to breathe has stopped some of the shaking. It’s only tiny tremors now, and it’s not all that difficult to take another step forward, then another, then more.

He has to pause a few times, just for a few seconds, just to breathe and get the shaking back under control. He knows he probably chose a bad time, the snow heavy and soft and giving way every time he presses down, likely more difficult than it would be otherwise. But there’s also less pressure under his feet, it’s also impossible to land hard, and it’s more acceptable for him to take his time. Just in case.

Justin isn’t really that far away, only about seven feet, but every time Alex stops and it seems just as far away, he feels like he’ll never get there. Then suddenly he’s closer to Justin than where he started, and in a few more slow steps he’s wrapped up in his arms.

“Fuck yes Standall,” Justin whoops, and Alex is too happy to care that it’s right next to his ear. He lets out another breathless laugh and sags against him, letting Justin support his weight now. “You’re amazing,” Justin murmurs, much quieter, and Alex smiles against his shoulder.

Zach’s there then too, pressed up against his back, wrapping his arms around them. Alex lets himself be held, until the shivers stop and his heartbeat returns to the happy hum it always is around these two.

It’s only when they pull away from him that he notices his family in the doorway. They’re all staring at him in astonishment, and he grins back, bright and proud. Peter comes first, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking his head. “You crazy bastard,” he says, and he’s grinning, too.

His mother follows, and then he’s in another hug. She steps back and cups his cheek, her eyes watering. “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.”

Alex rolls his eyes. “I only walked a few feet.” Yet, those few feet had felt like running a marathon. But he’d done it. He’s allowed to be proud. He can’t wipe he smile off his face. He won’t let the supposed simplicity of the accomplishment ruin it for him.

His mother seems to realise this, because she only waves away his response and hugs him again. When they go back inside, he lets Zach and Justin be his crutches. He’s done enough, for today, and it’s different with them. They don’t help him because they think he needs it. Just because they want to.

Sometimes, Alex just wants that, too.

~^~

They regroup in the sitting room, shedding their snowy layers and getting fluffy blankets wrapped around their shoulders as replacements. They all sit together for a while before they slowly start filtering out to the kitchen, until they’ve left the boys alone.

It’s finally time for the gifts.

They’re all a little nervous, but mainly excited, and Alex and Justin look at each other in a silent agreement to do Zach’s first. Justin drags a chair over in front of the couch, and Alex points at it. “Sit,” he orders Zach.

Zach sits. Justin hands him a small wrapped envelope, like the one he himself had gotten yesterday. “It’s from both of us,” Justin tells him, and Zach nods before opening it with careful fingers.

He stares. “These are tickets to see the Golden Bears in Berkeley.” Zach’s voice is hoarse. “That—that was my dad’s team.”

Alex smiles gently. “We know. We thought we could all go to a game, and you could talk to some people. The coach might even let you and Justin play for a little bit, after.”

Zach looks up at them, his eyes watering. Justin reaches out to touch his knee. “They give out a bunch of scholarships every year. And I heard they have a really good Marine Science program.”

Zach’s heard that, too. He’s always wanted to go there. University of California, Berkeley. His dad’s university. He always wanted Zach to go there, too.

He feels, annoyingly, like crying, and a few traitorous tears slip out. Alex touches his other knee, and Christ, he can’t believe they did this. They got tickets. Alex talked to the coach. They researched the course he wants to do. They knew, without talking about it, that this has always been where he’s wanted to go. And they’re going to go with him—to this game, at least.

He still misses his dad more than anything. They know that, too, because of course they do. This is the one thing they could have done to give Zach a little piece of him. And they did it.

They couldn’t have gotten him anything better.

He leans forward and they meet him, allowing him to hug them both, to settle his head on the joint of their shoulders. “Thank you,” he says, reverent. “Both of you.”

He allows himself to hug them for a moment, and then he switches places with Alex.

Alex is tired, now, but he perks up a little when he sits down, childish excitement filling him. The gift they hand him is considerably larger than Zach’s was—about a hundred times bigger, really. It’s heavy in his lap, and he looks up at them with a raised brow. Justin makes a gesture with a lot of waving hands that Alex assumes means, ‘well, open it’.

He tears it open, only to find a plain box, which he throws open as well. Inside lies a black and white bass guitar, just like his old one.

His heart squeezes. He runs his hands over the strings, the curved edge of the body. He doesn’t look up at them as he asks, quietly, “Why did you get me this?”

Justin and Zach look at each other, then back at him. “Do you not want it?” Zach asks it gently, but Alex can tell he’s upset.

“I just want to know why.”

Justin leans forward. “We know how much you love music. How much you miss it. I know that you feel like you’ve lost everything sometimes, Alex, but you don’t have to lose this. We—we wanted to give you something back. But if you really don’t want it, we understand.”

“But if you do want it, we think it would be good,” Zach continues. “I know it’s still hard. That there’s still some things you struggle with. And it might take a while to get used to again but you—you’re amazing, Alex, and you don’t have to give up something you love because you’re scared it won’t work out. You  _walked_  today, with no support. You can still play. We got it because we have faith that you’ll get better. That you’re still you.”

Alex will  _not_  cry. He won’t. He does, however, lift the guitar out of the box, which Zach and Justin take off his lap. He holds it over his knee, his fingers finding a chord without much thought. He strums carefully and finds it’s already in tune, so he does it again, until a soft melody resounds through the room. It’s slow and quiet and choppy, his fingers not pressing the strings hard enough, the strength needed not entirely there, but not entirely absent either. Present but weak, waiting to be built back up. He could do it, he thinks, like he used to. Eventually. He just needs some practice.

He realises that Justin and Zach already knew this, and now he’s crying, because they’re the sweetest goddamn idiots in the world and he loves them.

They’re look at him already, with adoring eyes and prideful smiles, and he scoffs. Even though his cheeks are wet and his heart skips with that familiar happiness. Even though he’s gripping the guitar so tightly now that his fingers hurt a little. Even though he adores them just as much. Even though he’s just as proud.

“Don’t look at me like that. That sucked,” he says, even though he’s smiling.

They understand, though, because of course they do. Zach shakes his head and Justin chuckles and they take the guitar out of the way so he can hug them. He settles back onto the couch and Zach presses a soft kiss to the top of his head.

Then it’s onto the last gift—Justin’s.

He sits in the chair, wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans. Zach and Alex both love their gifts, gifts that he’d helped choose. He’s part of the smiles on their faces. In this moment, he doesn’t care what they’ve gotten him, wouldn’t care if they didn’t get him anything. They’re here with him, happy, and he doesn’t need anything else.

Still, though, when they place a small wrapped box in his hand, he can’t help but feel excited.

He doesn’t hesitate to rip it open, revealing a velvet red box. His brows raise, but he flicks it open with little pause. Tucked inside is a silver ring constructed by a pattern of interlocking, continuous infinitely loops. He takes it out carefully and sees the inscription on the inside, written in tiny lettering.

‘ _Love, A to Z_ ’

It’s so cheesy that Justin laughs, even as his heart feels like it’s doing somersaults in his chest. It’s becoming a familiar feeling, the turn-over happiness of it. He slides the smooth metal onto the ring finger of his left hand. It fits perfectly. Of course he does.

He looks up at them, eyes watering, and he doesn’t try to stop it. It makes sense for the three of them to cry, at this point.

Alex smiles hesitantly at him. “Do you like it?” Justin nods wordlessly, twisting the ring around his finger, veins thrumming. “It’s not much but—well, it’s the best thing we could think to get you. We know that Clay, your parents, they’ll have gotten you whatever you need, and we—we wanted to get you something you could keep. Something you could have with you that reminded you of us, always. To remind you we’ll always be here.”

Zach doesn’t add anything, but he rests a gentle hand on his knee and squeezes. Justin laughs again, and he isn’t even sure why, only knows that he feels such unadulterated happiness he can’t stop it.

It makes sense. He understands perfectly what they’re trying to do. He was the last addition to this relationship, and they’re saying it doesn’t matter. That it doesn’t mean they love him any less, or each other any more. That they love him, really, and want to be with him for the foreseeable future. That they’re not going anywhere, not like the others. They’re always with him.

The next noise he makes starts as a laugh and ends as a sob, and then he’s on the couch again, cradled between them. They wrap their arms around him, Alex leaning his head on his shoulder, comfortable and trusting and loving. God, he loves them, so, so much.

“I love you,” he says, and he doesn’t have to clarify. They know he’s talking to them both. Zach presses a kiss to his hair, and Alex nuzzles his neck, lashes fluttering against Justin’s jaw.

“We love you, too,” they say, together, and then the three of them are laughing at the ridiculousness of themselves, of the picture they make.

It doesn’t matter, though. It doesn’t matter that others can’t figure them out, that they’re still struggling themselves. It doesn’t matter that they still have bad days, that they probably always will. There’s always the good ones to make up for it, the ones like this, the ones they have together. None of them would give it up for anything.

So it doesn’t matter that they fall asleep like that, curled together on the couch. The other people in their lives that they love don’t separate them, just tuck a blanket over the mass of their bodies and leave them be. When they wake up in the morning, it might be to the start of another of their bad days, but that doesn’t matter either. They have this, now, and tomorrow they’ll still be there, still together.

It’s the only real gift, now, that any of them need.


End file.
